Well hello. Turbulent days these are. My friends and I can only hope that they improve. I have been more than a little preoccupied and it’s taken it’s toll. I feel that the universe is in a blender and it’s chopping and slicing and dicing and spitting out our fates at random, all disfigured and injured. You cant stop it, you can’t return it, you can’t switch one botched destiny for another; you have to grit your teeth and take what is dealt to you. Make the best of it. Cry a little because of it, but you deal with it and you acknowledge that things happen and we cannot change the cards dealt to us. We can however find ways to make fate work in our benefit. Living in a chaotic universe is not what makes us helpless. It is self doubt and fear of the chaos that makes us helpless. I am sometimes afraid of the unpredictability of life, but I refuse to let it defeat me. I will not succumb to my own self-fulfilling prophecy of failure. We may not always like the situations we find ourselves in, but we are powerful beings more than capable of putting a positive spin on it. For me, when things feel like they are falling apart, I turn to the pillow and slip into another world. I compare my life to the lives of less fortunate and count my blessings, this makes all the positive aspects of my life surface. I tell myself everything is orchestrated with thought, everything happens for a reason; all will be revealed. I light incense and put my cd player to use. I often tell myself when in waking life; this is just a shit dream, I’ll wake up soon. Then I can laugh at the happenings around me. But sometimes these methods of coping don’t always work, because depression can paralyze you and restrict you from making a creative recovery.. meaning you stay in stationary mode for a while and dance around in mental circles of self pity haha. Life is not miserable and life is not futile until you think it is. Existing can be hard, but we make it through it as long as we keep trusting that we can.

My shoes are scuffed. My stockings are ripped. I resent nothing more than just going to a store of boring mass produced sweatshop labor created blandness. I like things to have evidence of wear. Some people may find my affinity for tattered clothing to be horrible; i could not care. I can be a bit of a social misfit and have learned quickly how to live my life disregarding the inevitable judgement of others. One of the most valuable tools I discovered for this, was confidence. Without confidence and a firm idea of who you are as a person, you struggle to remain strong. You will bend and break and conform to the environment around you. I have spent most of my life developing a sense of myself so I may be stronger than my environment and not let it define me. Fortunately or unfortunately, the things I discovered about myself and which built my character, were the exact things which further distanced myself from the mainstream world. In discovering my identity and my passions, I more or less secured my position as a voluntary loner and social gypsy. My words were different, my thoughts were different, my interests were different, my hobbies and passions were different, and I was different right down to the very obvious physical proclamation of my individuality: my wardrobe. But I like that. I consider my best assets to be the same things which got me a swift punch in the stomach every day. Society breeds us to be discriminating and to shun difference. I was raised differently; I was raised to revel in your differences. My nan always taught me to accept it as something which makes you superior, not inferior. Every glare bolsters my ego. I am doing something right if I am provoking such a strong response. I am doing even more right if I am not letting it affect me. People can taunt and tease all they want and it can hurt you; but it does not have to. Do the wounds have to be lasting ones that you carry like a burden? Of course not. Words are easy. But you can shrug them away. You can scoff at the bitter naysayers. You are stronger than that, and all of the unusual quirks you have acquired over the years can band together like a shield to protect you and remind you of how great you are. I hope that one day every person can find pride in the things they are told to be ashamed of. I hope that one day every person can feel comfortable enough to instead flaunt these things.

dream on

How would the world change without the destructive footprint of humans? Some would say it would perish, I say Mother Earth would thrive and reach her full potential. I often feel ashamed to be human, collectively as a species we are a disaster. I think there's a reason we are so isolated within the universe, higher intelligences (aliens) noted our evolution back in the day, and saw the negative potential and thought: "shit, let's blow this joint!"- meaning they migrated to another galaxy, far from our reach.

The other night I was talking to one of my friends who is currently seeing a boy. He’s just gotten out of a long relationship so he doesn’t want commitment, and although she does, she’s going along with it because she doesn’t want to lose him. She said that the other night she decided she wanted a new attitude. Before she even told me what she was talking about, I knew what she meant. You know that point where you just go ARGH FUCK THIS and say to yourself “Ok. Fuck being a girl, I’m going to play it like a guy.” You tell yourself not to message him heaps. You tell yourself not to care. Being a boy doesn’t sound too bad, does it? Well I once became a boy. I told myself exactly what my friend told herself many times, but eventually finally succeeded. I did not care. I did not have to tell myself not to message. I did not go out of my way to restore damaged friendships. I had finally become that person I’d always wanted to be. And you know what? I would rather cry. I would rather hurt. I would rather love, fight, worry, laugh, and I would rather care. 'Maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment… you never gave up hope.' So I’ve decided I’m going to wait for someone. Someone who fascinates me, someone who I can be crazy about. Someone who I can love and who will love me. And as jealous as you might be of them, in the end, people who play those games are just people with a broken heart and no hope left. I believe it is the hopeless romantics who have someone to grow old with. And I am, to my very core, a true hopeless romantic.

My computer has destroyed my last two attempts to post a blog about my seriously too calculated, and now very late new year’s resolutions, which, while bumming me out, is not about to deter the ambitious mood swings the new year has brought on. I am currently typing this in the notepad application, so as to protect my resolves should my computer freeze up once more. ANYWAY:
2009 was a pretty big nonevent for me and while I have always been terrible with keeping my ‘resolutions’ for longer than a week or two, I hope that writing a list such as this will make my aspirations more tangible thus giving me a legitimate motivation to stick to them, for once. So, here we go:

- Stop being such a buzzkill. God knows I should be appreciative of the fact I am even in a position to blacklist certain events or issues without giving them a chance, and I feel that while this is due probably more to my personality (which is an inherently sucky one) rather than my apparent desire to secure my position as the matriarch of Hades by perpetually and instantly damning every person, place or thing that comes my way, “fake it til you make it” is entirely applicable here and if I can just convince myself to get syked over something that ’09 Lindsay would have scoffed at, maybe I will enjoy life a little bit more.

- Stop being such a jerk, and judging books by their cover. While admittedly I am usually the first to shy away from the fourteen year old coontail-extentioned, pro-eyeliner civilians of Newcastle, or the guys who have whole photo albums on Myspace dedicated to their car or generic tattoos (because why wouldn’t you, right?), I feel this is a totally unjustifiable attitude considering these people could actually be quite cool desire surface characteristics that most definitely indicate otherwise. This self-righteous attitude has got me nowhere but too far up myself, and even though I know that it’s just not in my nature to ever form a legitimate friendship with someone who thinks it is a good idea to post their minus-Z-grade ‘poetry’ about their soul mate of the week on the internet, I can try my hardest to tolerate them. I can wipe this illegitimate smirk of pseudo-superiority off my face because the list of things I have done to “deserve” it is very, very limited.

- Make friends. While this seems like a very vague concept for a resolution, it’s probably the area I need the most work in. As you may have picked up from point number two, I am a bit of a self-righteous jerk. But more than that, I am a social disaster. My sheer social ineptitude makes me a terrible friend finder, and my noncommittal attitude to most things and people drains me of my will to continue / maintain these poorly formed friendships. I am definitely not taking a shot at the quality of my current friendships here (or should I say friendship, considering there is only one person I am perpetually willing to regularly hang out with), because the importance of my friendship with Natasha invariably outweighs the importance of my “friendship” (and I use that term very, very loosely) with you. No, there is more. Isabelle, Tyler, Bella, Casey; I apologize. I especially love you four too. But it would be nice to have some more acquaintances. You know, a few more people I can hang out with when these people, aren’t available. You guys will be my silver medals. I’m totally kidding here by the way, I just want to know some more valuable people who share the same views as I do. That being said, the point of this resolution is to get ME to make the effort. I need to realise that I should be willing to extend a hand to any poor, misguided individuals who display a genuine interest in forming a friendship with me, despite the inevitable incompatibility at its core.

- Care less about trivial issues / become less paranoid. I need to realise that if I go out looking less than perfect, the people at Coles probably aren’t going to think any less of me. I need to realise that the people who I love, already love me back, and probably aren’t going to wake up one day and decide that they don’t anymore. I need to realise that the people I know have changed for the better, and that I don’t need to be waking up every day waiting for them to make the same mistakes that may have compromised our friendship in the past. I need to realise that every house i live in, is not haunted, and bring my mirror back into my bedroom.

I realise this list is pretty limited at the moment but it is by no means final. Expect me to add things to it as I notice more sucky parts of my personality that I need to improve on.

Insomnia

Dear idiots,

For the past year at least I've kept relatively quiet about the ever-prosperous trend of claiming you suffer from full blown insomnia, simply because you've had trouble falling asleep that night, or maybe the night before aswell. By definition, insomnia is persistent difficulty falling asleep, or staying asleep despite the opportunity. Key word here being 'persistant'. Now correct me if I am wrong, but I know that I didnt read that definition as 'an inability to sleep for one or maybe two nights due to sleeping all day' or 'staying up all night emailing hawt babez and paying for it in the morning'.By claiming you have this condition which you all incorrectly classify as a 'disease', which by the way, in doing this you are further perpetuating the idea that you have no idea what you are talking about, as insomnia is not a disease itself, but rather a symptom of a larger one, and are simply trying to put a trendy label on what should be more accurately defined as a lack of self discipline, you are doing nothing except diminishing the validity of the plight of the very legitimate sufferers, and making yourselves look like silly little fools harbouring hypochondriac behaviours they are yet to fully understand. Please find a new trend as the internet is no longer impressed by this one. Love, Lindsay.

PS: Please note I am totally aware there are people with the disorder, so don't go slamming me as some negative nancy who considers her opinion the be all and end all of such. Although in saying this, I'm sure you'll find that more often than not, those legitimate sufferers aren't the ones emblazoning their myspace pages with "I HAS INSOMNIA :( :( :(", freqently in large letters and even more frequently, alternating caps. Bye.

Girl in love with my ex: Oh hi, do you know jack?! Yeah we're really close. I live close to him. We always message each other. I know so much about him. Blah blah.
Me: We dated and shared beds. I win.